Why I Regret Not Vaccinating

by Alley V.

I had already begun my descent into conspiracy theories in the vein of Infowars before I became a parent, but the instinct to protect my children from some amorphous, sinister threat kicked that descent into overdrive. Antivaccine propaganda found me early in my parenting journey. I was expecting my first child in 2011 when a very hip, crunchy friend approached me and asked if I wanted to learn more about vaccines. She sent me lots of videos from Sherri Tenpenny, and I devoured them, memorized them, and that was where it all began.

By the time I was ready to meet my first child, I was fully immersed in antivaccine culture, especially in the form of Facebook groups. I had even become a very active admin in a group of thousands of members. I was fully convinced that he should not receive any vaccine, or even eye ointment or vitamin K. It was so obvious to me that vaccines were dangerous, that they were filled with ingredients that should never be introduced to the human body by the intramuscular route, and that every chronic condition from autism to food allergies was caused by adjuvants. 

As a fringe Christian, I also staunchly opposed vaccination due to the use of MRC-5 and WI-38 (human cell lines) in their development. I had stopped short of some of the more outlandish theories proposed to me by other parents. I was once told by a mom that her family never tried on clothes in the store because she heard “they” were putting vaccines using microneedle patch technology in them! But I had swallowed virtually every drop of antivax propaganda available at the time.

Our second child came less than two years later, then our third, and finally our fourth. None of them had received a vaccine of any kind until the oldest was about 10 years old. It’s hard not to be angry at myself for putting them and everyone around us at risk for so long. My older two children even contracted pertussis when they were both under three years old. I am incredibly lucky that my gamble with their health did not cost them their lives.

Our lives were pretty uneventful after that pertussis experience. We homeschooled, so school requirements for immunizations weren’t an issue. We had pediatricians who “respected our choices” and never pushed my husband and me to reconsider vaccines. Most of my friends and family had always expected me to be a bit of a black sheep, so I didn’t really experience any shame or social pressure either.

Then came COVID.

At first, I started getting into anti-mask propaganda. I even had a panic attack on the day our governor declared a state of emergency and required masking and social distancing in public. I was finally living through the sort of threat that the privilege of herd immunity in America had insulated me from with other infectious diseases. It was terrifying, but it was also my turning point.

I started to see folks who had previously been pro-vaccine start to spread conspiracies and myths about COVID. Watching them start to unravel in real time made something in my own mind snap back into place. I finally realized I’d been prey for a ravenous propaganda machine run by grifters and fed by mothers and fathers like me who had fallen into a cult-like mindset and would do anything to protect our kids–except listen to the truth.

Over the next two years, my family and I got vaccinated for COVID, and my children began the long process of getting caught up on vaccines. We switched to a pediatric practice that does not accommodate non-medical vaccine refusal, and my kids were soon enrolled in public school. 

And, surprise, two of them were diagnosed with autism before ever receiving a single vaccine dose. Now, we are all thriving while continuing to deprogram after the chokehold conspiracy theories had on our minds.

When I announced to my friends and family that I was no longer anti-vaccine, many of them breathed a sigh of relief. A few friends made it clear that our formerly shared stance on shots was the only basis of our friendship. They lamented that my kids “at least had a good start,” and then promptly saw themselves out of my life.

Nowadays, it’s hard to forgive myself for ever putting my children at risk, and I certainly struggle with sympathy and patience for folks still trapped in the antivaccine lie. I think we’re seeing more clearly now than ever, though, that too many folks are operating off of an entirely different set of facts.

The latest measles outbreaks are horrific, but I also see a glimmer of opportunity here. Just like reality finally set in for me with COVID, maybe the fact that these diseases really are coming back, just like we were warned they would, will snap even more people out of this delusion.

I just hope that they snap out of it before it’s too late.

Alley V. is a former anti-vaccine activist turned artist. Her story, like all others on this blog, was a voluntary submission. If you want to help make a difference, submit your own post by emailing us through our contact form. We depend on real people like you sharing experience to protect others from misinformation.